Shame by Any Other Name

A SHORT PRIMER ON SHAME, GUILT AND MORAL EDUCATION

A. The Origins and Effects of Shame.

The word shame is derived from the Indo-European skem which means "to hide." 11 Shame
makes us want to hide - from ourselves, our God and our peers - making shame an existentially
isolating state of mind. 12 Feeling shame makes [*302] a person "dejection-based, passive, or
helpless," causing the "ashamed person [to focus] more on devaluing or condemning his entire
self" than upon his behavior. 13 He sees himself "as fundamentally flawed, feels self-conscious
about the visibility of his actions, fears scorn, and thus avoids or hides from others." 14

The shamed individual wants "to undo aspects of the self" whereas the guilt-ridden one wishes
to undo aspects of his behavior. 15 It is therefore not surprising that guilt tends to motivate
restitution, confession, and apology, whereas shame tends to result in avoidance or anger. 16
The psycho-biology of the constellation of emotions we call "shame" is innate. 17

It produces a sudden loss of muscle tone in the neck and upper body; increases skin
temperature on the face, frequently resulting in a blush and causes a brief period of
incoordination and apparent disorganization. No matter what behavior is in progress when
shame affect is triggered, it will be made momentarily impossible. Shame interrupts, halts, takes
over, inconveniences, trips up, makes incompetent anything that had previously been
interesting or enjoyable. 18

A state of cognitive shame follows this initial cluster of feelings. 19 After the painful jolt of
shame, we begin to search our "life scripts" for some way to integrate the shameful experience
with our prior experiences, to make sense of the pain and disorientation caused by the sudden
upset of a positive emotional state. 20 [*303]

Because our earliest experiences of helplessness relate to our size, strength and intelligence,
only anger and its explosive cousin, rage, allow us to prove to ourselves and others that we are
powerful instead of weak, competent rather than stupid, large rather than small. 21 Thus do
many shame-suffused individuals respond to chronic shame in an attack mode, particularly
those who feel "endangered" by the depths to which their self-esteem has been reduced. 22
Such individuals experience shame as a threat to their physical well-being and lack the ability
to trust and rely upon others. 23

Shame thus serves as a barrier to one's capacity to achieve empathy and develop conscience.

B. Guilt, Shame and Moral Development

1. Distinguishing Guilt from Shame

The distinction between guilt and shame in moral development is not a trifling matter of purely
semantic interest. 24 Guilt arouses emotional discomfort in response to our transgressions
against others. 25 By age two, children develop the ability to empathize with the feelings of
another and by age three to evaluate their own conduct against objective behavioral
standards. 26 As soon as we are able to experience shame and guilt, we instinctively attempt
to regulate our emotional state by engaging in spontaneous acts of confession and reparation.
27 It is guilt, therefore, not shame, that discourages us from engaging in wrongdoing. 28 [*304]

The primary differences between guilt and shame in regard to the development of empathic
responsiveness to others and accountability for our own wrongful actions are shown by the
following chart, drawn from the pioneering work of psychologist Helen B. Lewis: 29

[TABLE OMITTED]

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2. Rebuilding the "Interpersonal Bridge"

Shame not only affects an individual's sense of his own value, it "acts as a powerful modulator
of interpersonal relatedness and . . . ruptures the dynamic attachment bond between
individuals." 30 When an individual has broken this bond, he wishes to recapture the
relationship as it existed before it turned problematic. 31 Toddlers shamed by their mothers,
for instance, naturally initiate appeals to repair the momentary break in the emotional bond
resulting from the shame-inducing behavior. 32 This process is called self-righting. 33 It is
natural and universal. 34 The shamed toddler reflexively looks up at and reaches toward his
mother. 35 Even a preverbal child will spontaneously express this need to be held in an
attempt to reaffirm both self and the ruptured relationship, to feel restored and secure. 36

A healthy and responsive mother accepts and assuages the child's painful feelings of shame,
enabling the toddler to return to a normal emotional state, one in which love and trust are
ascendant. 37 If the caregiver is "sensitive, responsive, and emotionally approachable,"
especially if she uses soothing sounds, gaze and touch, mother and child are
"psychobiologically reattuned," the "interpersonal bridge" is rebuilt, the "attachment bond" is
reconnected, and the experience of shame is regulated to a tolerable emotional state. 38

This series of events between child and care-giver has been termed the "positive socialization
of shame." 39 It permits the infant to "develop an internal representation of himself as
effective, of his interactions as reparable, and of his [*306] caregiver as reliable." 40 If a
mother repeatedly fails to participate in this interactive reparative stage, the child begins to
believe that his emotional needs are unacceptable and shameful. 41 Chronic empathic failure
leaves the child stuck for long periods of time in a state of withdrawal. 42 The effect of
post-shame withdrawal also includes negative cognitive-emotional patterns that color all
subsequent subjective experience. 43 The child concludes that he is helpless and the future
hopeless. 44 He comes to believe that he is deeply flawed and that all of his experiences arise
from his deficiencies. 45

Importantly, when shame goes unacknowledged, "it is almost impossible to mend the bond." 46
The natural resulting inclination to hide one's misdeeds "creates further shame, which creates
a further sense of isolation." 47 Thus, while shame in the absence of a consistently repaired
interpersonal bridge creates pathology, repair teaches emotional self-regulation, creates
"secure attachments" and leads to the development of empathy and conscience. 48